A Leap of Faith

I looked down the balcony and saw stark emptiness below. It was rather chilly evening and everybody seemed to be cozy inside their homes. I looked down, intently following the pattern on the pavement, as tears incessantly flowed down my cheeks. I leaned further against the railing; I didn’t dare call my father which left me with just one option but I couldn’t muster up the courage to do so… but I weighed the odds- that stinging frustration and the probable eternity of humiliation against a moment of pain, my “leap of faith”. I finally drew-in a deep breath of the brisk cold air and leaned forward until my trembling feet could not touch the ground.

 

***

That morning

I tapped my feet relentlessly against the floor of my living room.

“Any moment now…”I murmured beneath my breath. For a good whole year I had solely focused on getting into one of the top NLUs, some of the most prestigious law schools in the country. It had been truly a demanding year and needless to say I had put-in all the requisite efforts… all that remained now was to await the product of his yearlong labor, my penance.

A notification rang in my phone and even without a glance I knew what it meant as I reloaded the webpage which brought me to the login portal. My heart raced as I filed in my credentials, whilst reciting the “Gayatri Mantra” which my mother had so lovingly taught me when I was a kid… it was one of the few things about my mother that I fondly reminisced.

However one more click and my heart dropped. Let alone the top NLUs, even the descent ones wouldn’t accept me with such a score. My breaths quickened while my eyes began to water-up.

I clenched my teeth in an effort to restrain myself but a single defiant teardrop escaped and then one after another until I had a complete mental breakdown.

***

For a moment, my whole body was filled with excruciating pain… I wanted to scream at the top of me voice and with all my might but I couldn’t. Everything around me began to darken and the last thing I remembered was hearing a blood curdling scream.

***

I slowly opened my eyes unable to adjust to the illumination around me but as soon as I did, I was dumfounded by what I saw… an eternal stretch of gently rolling hilly plains crowned with a carpet of green grass. I gazed around flabbergasted and saw, not far from where I sat, an orchard. The sky was the most unblemished color of blue while the thinly distributed trees waved with light breeze as if giving life to this static setting.

I ran around wildly, cheering and yelling at top of my lungs as I had never felt any happier than this… I couldn’t remember how I got here or why I did nonetheless my sole presence here filled me with newfound bliss. I sprinted as far as I could… as fast as I could before finally settling down, exhausted, under the shade of a tree.

“Quite a spirit, aren’t you?” I heard a voice speak-up beside me. I whipped around to see a young man, not more than 2 or 3 years older than me, sitting there with a half-eaten apple in one of his hand. His gaze affixed on the infinite expanse in-front of him.

“By the way I am Ruhaan... Ruhaan jain” He turned his head towards me and extended his hand. I was sure that he was definitely not there earlier but I decided not to overthink it as I clasped his hand with mine.

“I am Shubham… nice to meet you” I failed miserably at replicating his tranquil smile. “So what brings you here?”

“It is immaterial what brings me here… what matters is you- how did you end up here?” He countered. I stared blankly at him, my stare expressly conveying my state of mind. He seemed to catch on to that.

“Well it is a common occurrence here. Here this might help…” He smiled as he placed his hand on my shoulder and in a jiffy an agonizing pain rushed me, that horrible feeling of feeling of defeat mingled with frustration but this came nowhere close to the gruesome scene that flashed before my eyes… a corpse- of none other than the same young lad that sat in front of me… hanging and swinging by a ceiling fan.

An earsplitting scream escaped from my mouth as I dragged myself away from him. Then, like a movie, my last moments flashed before me… this was it as I clutched my head and wailed with remorse and regret.

“Why did you-”

“It was necessary…” He cut me off.

I sobbed uncontrollably, cursing my impulsive decision, for well over 15 minutes while Ruhaan patiently waited for me to calm down. As soon as I did, he asked, "Well, can you answer my question now?" I countered, "You already know," breathing heavily.

"I don’t," he replied. "I only have the capability of showcasing my emotion, which acts as a gateway to recall your own. So now tell me… what was it?"

"I couldn't get into my dream college," I found myself unable to continue. As I spoke, it sounded like the dumbest thing to die for.

"Been there… truly devastating isn’t it?" Ruhaan empathized.

I looked up and found him gazing at the never-ending plains in front of him. Just then, he looked back at me with a solemn expression. "Do you regret it?" he asked, his tone reflecting seriousness for the first time.

I looked away, unsure of what to say. I felt remorse for my actions but sensed the futility of expressing my heart. But then again, there was nothing left to lose. "I do," I finally admitted. "I just wish I could replay the events, prevent it all from happening, but what's the use now? All is lost." I clenched my fist, suppressing the urge to punch myself in the face.

"Who says so?" he answered, his words surprising me. I looked back at him, expecting some crude humor, but his face said quite the contrary.

"What do you mean?" I questioned, perplexed.

"Well…" he said, getting up, followed by me "Fate is a powerful thing; it can be pretty frightening for some while it can work wonders for others… it is enigmatic and unexpected. Some of us, however, are blessed by it… perhaps consider it to be the fruit of your past deeds or a successful gamble, but you are fortunate enough to get a choice. Most like you, however, don't just have the courage to face it."

I stood there for a minute dumbfounded, just trying to process it all. Eventually, the gravity of his words struck me. "Do you mean…" I was hesitant to complete the question, dreading the prospect of an answer contrary to what I yearned for.

"Yes, I do," he replied. "But only if you wish for."

"And why wouldn't I?" I asked, trying to mask the absolute delight in my heart.

"You see," he explained. "Not everybody can go back to what they so terribly escaped, especially after knowing that there is a place above all that misery... somewhere you can be at peace with yourself." He looked at the wide expanse in front of him as his usual smile returned to him, a sharp contrast to his solemn words.

I pondered as I looked around me. It was heavenly, but I couldn't fathom the excruciating agony of my father having lost his only companion after the loss of my mother to an imprudent impulse. I wanted to correct it all. Fate had given me a gamble to do that, and I didn't wish to let it pass. "I just wish to go back," I said, my tone reflecting my strong resolve. "I just want to give it another go. Petty failure doesn't matter as long as I can live and work for something even greater."

Ruhaan looked back at me wide-eyed, and to be honest, I too was astounded by my words. For at this particular instance, nothing mattered to me more than my life. My life was my sole motivation for my aspirations, and without it, nothing seemed to be of any significance. "You sure are different," he remarked his smile gentler and his eyes, I could make out, were full as he held out his hand. For a moment I stared into the abyss of his dark eyes and then gratefully accepted his hand which seemed abnormally cold.

I couldn’t say anything but smile as he did too and that was the last time I ever saw him…

 

***

As I stood there, my heart pounding in my chest from unmatched uncertainty, the ground suddenly disappeared from beneath my feet. I fell into the darkness of an abyss, my body feeling as light as a feather, my spirit as free as a dove, and my mind as serene as an ocean. I floated directionless in the void, feeling a newfound surge of positivity that I knew I could never give up.

I floated in that state of weightlessness for what felt like an eternity before I was inevitably drawn towards the abyss. With a forceful push, I was thrust into what appeared to be a lifeless body. As I gasped for air and struggled against the restraints, the searing pain of my physical form slowly became familiar. Gradually, I opened my eyes to the sterile environment of a hospital room, its white walls stark against the beeping monitors and medical equipment that surrounded me.

My attempts to move my limbs were met with resistance, and I realized that my limbs where heavily plastered. Glancing around, I saw my father asleep in a visitor's chair, his exhaustion evident from the lines etched into his face. It was undoubtedly a tiring day for him.

As I turned my gaze towards the clock, I saw that it had just struck two o'clock. Summoning all my strength, I managed to reach out and place my hand on my father's, relishing the warmth of his skin against mine. My eyes drifted shut as a single tear slipped down my cheek, a mixture of sorrow and contentment washing over me in equal measure. This, I realized, was the moment I had longed for.

-The End